Fan Mail

Dear Mas Guapo-

I really like the spices but what the heck is Zestilicious?

Love,

Al G.

Dear Al-

Thank you for your note.  You are not alone.  “Zestiliciousness” is a difficult concept, best understood as a quantum state of enjoyment ofSazon Mas Guapo. It is in fact both ZestyandDelicious. You may ask, how can it be both at the same time when at any given point it seems to taste either ZestyorDelicious? Well, let’s explore some of the underlying quantum mechanics to help elucidate. 

I’ll describe this paradox in terms of the classic “Schroedingers Cat” thought experiment. Imagine if youSchroedinger's Cat-Old School would, that an experimental subject is locked inside of a sealed room, or “lock-box”, with a plate of ZestiliciousMas GuapoRibs. Imagine further that an invasive cranial sensor connects the subject’s brain to a device that contains a vial of poisonous Cyanide gas and a hammer assembly that can break the vial, thus releasing the gas into the lock-box. Our imaginary sensor detects whether or not the ribs taste “Zesty” or “Delicious” to our subject at any single point in time. If they are found to be “Delicious” then the detector sends a signal to the device, dropping the hammer, and releasing the poisonous gas painfully killing our subject. If “Zesty”, then the subject is able to continue enjoying his or her ribs unharmed. Now, from the perspective of the observer outside of the lock-box, the diner is both dead and alive, as the quantum states of Zestiliciousness both exist at the same time. The principle of quantum superposition allows that only when we enter the lock-box, would the state be observed as one or the other, therefore finding a diner dead or alive.  Otherwise, the ribs are indeed Zestilicious and our subject is both alive and dead in parallel universes.

I hope that this clears things up and please enjoy the spices!

Fondly,

Sazon Mas Guapo

Mas Guapo Shelves Genetically Modified Mustache

Elizabeth City, NJ-       Whole Foods Market announced today that it will become the first retailer in the country to require all of its stores to label food containing genetically modified ingredients by 2018.  This is just the latest headline in a decades-long, global resistance to genetically modified organisms (GMO’s).   Industrial food producers are taking notice and see this policy as the canary in the coalmine for genetically “improved” products.  In response to today’s announcement, Mas Guapo Foods has halted all research activities at its Progressive Foods Research Center in Elizabeth City, NJ.  A company spokesman claims that “unfavorable market headwinds” will limit the cost effectiveness of this sort of food production in the future.  

Though Mas Guapo’s signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo is organic and does not contain GMO’s, the firm has been actively researching methods for producing the first genetically modified vegetable that will produce a mustache.  Sazon Mas Guapo has long been known as the only condiment on the market that comes with an artificial mustache and the company has been working hard to produce a “naturally raised” lip warmer for it’s packaging.  Scientists at the Progressive Foods Research Center have made profound breakthroughs in manipulating the genetic code of various plants and animals to produce genuine patches of human facial hair.  Their hope was to “Pharm” their signature “’Staches”, rather than importing artificial products from overseas, avoiding many of the fair labor issues that surround the artificial mustache industry. 

A rising star in the field of genetically modified organism (GMO) research, Mas Guapo’s foray into the field of recombinant genetic research had been rocky at times.   “Our first cultivation studies on Zucchini proved disastrous”, recounts Dr. Ben Jacamo.   “The vegetables successfully developed well formed mustaches, but also grew an imposing set of testicles.  Our pickers were extremely distraught by the field full of well-hung squash.” Because of such incidents, Mas Guapo had been on the “Ten Most Wanted” list published by the Center for Responsible Technology for some time, but not until the Whole Foods announcement did the company take serious notice. “We had hoped to become the Monsanto of naturally raised facial hair, but now the writing is on the wall.”

“More Handsome” Free Speech Group Challenges Ban on ‘Staches at Polls

Richmond, VA--A Virginia-based free speech organization today filed an amicus brief with the State Supreme Court challenging a controversial Virginia State Board of Elections (VSBE) policy prohibiting artificial mustaches in polling places.  The Mas Guapo Center for the Protection of Free Expression argued that the policy violates the First Amendment rights of voters and is inconsistent with Virginia's electioneering statute; the Center supports a reversal of the decision as unconstitutional before the next state and local elections in 2012. 

Adopted by the VSBE in October 2010, the anti-mustache policy interprets existing state law against "exhibiting campaign materials to another person" near or in a polling place as a ban on expression of a view on particular candidates or political party.  The order was challenged on behalf of a Fairfax County voter who was asked to remove or cover up a synthetic fiber mustache by local polling officials.   While the complainant’s intention was simply to display his increased handsomeness from use of the spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, Election officials suspected the mustache was campaigning collateral and thus constituted improper political speech at the polls. 

Sazon Mas Guapo is the flagship product of spice conglomerate Mas Guapo Foods and is the only condiment on the U.S. Market to come with a free mustache.  Its explosive popularity has created suspicion and concern in many communities, as Mas Guapo has become a grassroots movement with growing socio-political influence.  A company official responds, “We are simply in the business of improving the lives of our customers through our “Zestilicious” blend of herbs, spices, and fake mustaches.  We are not a political party and the public need not fear the ‘Stache.” 

The Mas Guapo Center was chartered in 2010 by Mas Guapo Foods to protect the freedom of Americans to “Rock the ‘Stache”.  The center has participated in many high profile legal actions and is now regarded as a preeminent think tank in the Free Speech arena.  "It is the duty of government is to protect freedom of expression," said Steve Kohlman, president of The Mas Guapo Center. "Regrettably, the State Board of Elections shirked this important civic responsibility when it adopted what essentially amounts to a dress code policy. Elections celebrate the personal freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution and the government has no business telling citizens how to express themselves"

S&P upgrades Mas Guapo Foods on reports of successful Beef Jerky field trials

For immediate release – August 16, 2011 

                          New York, New York – Standard and Poor’s gave a rare upgrade this morning to spice giant Mas Guapo Foods  (NYSE: ZSTY) on the promise of a new revenue channel for its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo.  The agency issued its highest rating, the elusive AAAAAA++ or 6-A, to the US-based company based on  a report that a man in Waynesboro, Va. has successfully used the organic spice blend on Beef Jerky, the most beloved of all the dried meats.  The "Jerky Memo" further highlights great “thinking outside of the box” and  “really taking the bull by the horns”.           

T. Blaine Irving, a senior analyst at Franklin and Brothers says “While it is unusual for S & P to issue an upgrade in this current economic environment, we all feel real strong about this one.”  Shares in Mas Guapo Foods (ZSTY) jumped 23% in early day trading and shows no sign of letting up.  “ This represents a paradigm shift in the spice-trading sector.  I think savvy investors are finally looking past the Saigon Cinnamon bubble of 06’.  Everyone was so into Pho then, it all seemed so easy! We were all left holding the bag on that one. ” 

On a conference call with Dr. Samuel Nutterbaum, CFO of Mas Guapo Foods this morning, the news was well received.  “This is really a reaffirmation for all of us at Mas Guapo.  We have always felt like a 6-A company, if not higher...like maybe 7-A if that even exists, I am not sure. “  Nutterbaum continues,  “but, what I do know is Sazon Mas Guapo has real power, not just financial power but seasoning power.  These Beef Jerky revelations are great, but not too surprising to us.  We are doing things here at our labs that other spice companies can’t even comprehend. We just simply don’t yet know the boundaries of this product.”  When asked if the greater economy was heading into a bear or bull market cycle, Nutterbaum explained,  “ Bear or bull?  Look, I have no idea. Chicken or pork!  That is all I care about.  Oh, and beef…which is basically a bull.  So bull, I guess.  But, I really don’t have a clue.  I’m a little drunk."  

Mas Guapo in Bruges-“Toodle-oo Walloons”

Brussels, Belgium- With intra-national cultural tensions growing throughout the European Union, businesses are racing to “pick sides”, ensuring that their brands identify with regional economic winners.    In Belgium, that means aligning with consumers of either the northern, Dutch-speaking region of Flanders, or the post-industrial, French-speaking Wallonia.   Mas Guapo Foods, an American spice company, has recently cast its lot with a groundswell of business interests that see the economic future of this divided nation resting with the more affluent Flemings. 

     Sandor Van Hoorick, associate director of the European Strategies Division of Mas Guapo Foods, believes that Belgium is the canary in the coalmine for future segmentation of European nations over coming years, as citizens seek to protect their cultural rather than national identities.  In Belgium, the tension between Walloons and Flemings is uniquely important because of the tug of war over Brussels, an economic and cultural crown jewel of Europe.  Mas Guapo is a major stakeholder in this battle as its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo, looks to grow exponentially in the region over coming years.  “Our European growth strategy is focused on “Frites” cultures, as we seek to position ourselves as the condiment of the 21st century for fried potatoes all across Europe.  We believe that socio-cultural alignments with brands will create strong market segmentation and that products will live or die by the company they keep”, says Van Hoorick.

       For Mas Guapo Foods, that now includes prominent Flemish political figures.  A recent edition of Het Laatste Nieuws features a photo of Bart De Wever, the outspoken leader of the New Flemish Alliance Party, dining at a popular Brussels restaurant.  The portly De Wever, who has called for an independent Flanders, is pictured with an artificial mustache, enjoying a traditional lunch of Mussels and Fries that has been conspicuously seasoned with Sazon Mas Guapo.   While Mas Guapo certainly arranged this photo op, the firm has been cautious not to be branded as the spice blend of right-wing separatists.   However measured this alliance may be, the subtext of the photo is not ambiguous; Mas Guapo is clearly and actively positioning itself to be “the new spice blend of the new Belgium”, and just the latest international firm to pull up stakes from the beleaguered south.

Look Hu’s Rockin’ the ‘Stache!

Washington D.C.- When Chinese President Hu Jintao conducts his official State visit to The White House this week, the Paramount Leader of the Peoples Republic of China will be received with world-class entertainment, fine dining and lavish gifts, as is customary for such an historic occasion.  But among the many gifts that Mr. Hu will be receiving from the citizens of the United States, is one very unusual item, according to the Protocol Gift Unit Director, Dale Chipperdonk. Working closely with the Assistant Chief of Protocol for Visits and the staffs of the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State, Mr. Chipperdonk selects the gifts for foreign dignitaries.  “One of the items that the Chinese delegation will be receiving on this visit is Sazon Mas Guapo- a gourmet spice blend that comes with a fake mustache. While President Hu probably does not do much cooking, we understand that the Chairman of the Communist Party of China has an affinity for gag mustaches and the Obamas specifically requested this gift as a personal appeal to Hu’s sense of whimsy”, says Chipperdonk. 

             The official gift list was released today by the State Department and includes such conventional standbys as Stetson hats, handmade Amish quilts, designer jewelry, and gourmet food products.  Certainly, the inclusion of Sazon Mas Guapo is a departure from the normally luxurious or symbolic nature of Official State gifts, and Virginia-based Mas Guapo Foods could not be more thrilled with the decision to showcase it’s signature product on the international stage.  A spokesperson for the company affirms, “ We are delighted to be selected for the State visit; it really steps up the profile of our business.  We looked back through our customer records, and Hu would be our very first Paramount Leader...that’s a huge milestone for any small business!” 

Sazon Mas Guapo is an organic spice blend that has become famous for its marketing hook- it is the only condiment on the market that promises to make a chef more handsome.  Mas Guapo users don mustaches (or “Rock the ‘Stache”), photograph themselves, and submit their pictures to the website’s “’Stache Gallery”.   While it is doubtful that Mr. Hu will join the ranks of Mas Guapo’s “Superstars”, a little levity might just help thaw icy relations between the two Superpowers.  President Obama will have a laundry list of contentious issues to navigate during this summit, including the under-valuation of the Yuan, the recent test flight of a new Chinese J-20 Stealth Fighter, North Korean relations, and human rights abuses.  Apparently the U.S. Government is betting that this zestilicious blend of organic herbs and spices might just be a panacea for the future of international relations. If so, we can all look forward to a more peaceful, more “guapo” world for our mustachioed children and grandchildren.

Sazon Mas Guapo Cleared for 2011 Tour de France

Cyclist "Rockin' the 'Stache"                                                                                                                                                                               Lausanne, Switzerland-The World Anti Doping Administration  (WADA) has issued a Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) for the popular spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, opening the doors for its expanded use in professional sports, including the 2011 Tour de France.  Cycling organizations around the world, such as the USA Cycling Federation have been closely monitoring this decision, as the use of Sazon Mas Guapo has skyrocketed within the ranks of cycling elite in the past couple of years.  

          WADA was established in 1999 as an international independent agency composed and funded equally by sports organizations and governments of the world. Its key activities include scientific research, education, development of anti-doping capacities, and monitoring of the World Anti Doping Code – the document harmonizing anti-doping policies in all sports and all countries.  While the TUE does not preclude future action against the substance, it does allow for its current use under a physician’s directive.

           Anti-doping groups have called for a prohibition of Sazon Mas Guapo from professional cycling, alleging that it boosts red blood cell counts thereby artificially increasing an athlete’s aerobic capacity. There is great concern that Mas Guapo abuse could escalate unchecked, much as EPO did before reliable testing for the compound was developed. While Sazon Mas Guapo cannot yet be detected by urine or blood tests, “juiced” athletes are often associated with characteristic facial hair, or “righteous ’staches”. 

            Representatives from the Sports Performance Division of Mas Guapo Foods have expressed guarded relief over the WADA decision.  “We have always contended that Mas Guapo is a condiment, not a performance enhancing drug.  Its unique blend of organic herbs and spices is so delicious that it makes the chef, or rider, appear more handsome.  Any ancillary physiological effects are the result of increased self-confidence and well-being, rather than any direct metabolic process.” So how will this decision affect Mas Guapo Foods? “ Well, let’s just say that we expect to see a lot more cyclists “Rockin’ the ‘Stache” up the Col du Galibier next summer.  That’s certainly good for us, but it’s just as good for the sport.”

Sazon Mas “Blago”?

Chicago, IL- Mas Guapo Foods of Charlottesville, VA, may be exploring a celebrity endorsement deal with former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.   A document anonymously posted on the website Wikileeks appears to iterate a list of various promotional services to be provided by Blagojevich to Mas Guapo Foods, in return for financial remuneration. 

            Blagojevich, who was impeached by the Illinois House of Representatives for misconduct, was recently tried on federal corruption charges stemming from allegations the he tried to “sell” the Illinois Senate seat vacated by President Barack Obama.  He was convicted on one of the 24 charges, lying to the FBI, and the jury was hung on 23 other counts. In anticipation of a lengthy and costly retrial, sources say that Blagojevich is actively pursuing revenue from a variety of different sources, including reality television appearances, speaking engagements, “meet and greet” sales, plasma donation, and product endorsements. 

            Below is an excerpt of the alleged draft contract with Mas Guapo Foods:

Section 4.2Promotional Services and Considerations

            The Client shall provide any or all of the following promotional services to the Company for the financial considerations noted:

a.             Wear signature artificial facial hair (“‘Stache”) for photo shoot, for limited use on company website and electronic mail correspondence-                                                             $5,000;

b.             a. and include unlimited license for use-                                                        $7,500;

c.             a., b., and make  four public appearances with ‘Stache in one calendar year-  $10,000;

d.             a., b., c. and display permanent tattoo of Company Logo-                              $11,000;

e.             a., b., c., d., and attendance at Company Holiday Party-                                 $13,500;

f.              a., b., c., d.,  e., accompanied by a performing monkey-                                 $14,000;

g.            a., b., c., d., e., f., singing and dancing with above monkey-                            $14,500;

h.            a., b., c., d., e., f., g., and sponsorship of all future court appearances- Client to wear Company-branded apparel in court, and to respond  to all bench inquiries with “On the advice of counsel and the zesty   deliciousness of Sazon Mas Guapo, …”-                                   $38,000;

i.              a., b., c., d., e., f., g., h., and endorse a limited-edition, Natural Hair “Blago ‘Stache”- Client to provide sufficient cranial hair for 1,000 artificial  mustaches-                     $45,000;

           While Mas Guapo officials would neither confirm nor deny the legitimacy of the document, or comment on any future engagement of services with the former governor, the spice company has been aggressively promoting its flagship product, Sazon Mas Guapo, a gourmet spice blend purported to make its users more attractive.   Though Blagojevich has not commented for this story, media experts believe that a partnership with the spice giant might benefit the beleaguered ex-governor.  “Mas Guapo might just make him a more handsome chef and less of a douche at the same time.”

Local Firm Abandons X Prize Dream

Brooklyn, Mich-   Local spice conglomerate Mas Guapo Foods has withdrawn its bid to compete for the Progressive Automotive X Prize, an international race to build a car that can travel 100 miles on a single gallon of fuel.  Corporate officials pulled the plug on the project last night after discouraging progress reports from team engineers.  The race is now in its final stage at the Michigan International Speedway and Team Mas Guapo had yet to present its entry to competition officials for fuel efficiency testing.  

“Truth be told, I don’t think that we ever really had a chance”, says Sven Tuebershoofson, former Volvo engineer and lead designer for Team Mas Guapo. “From our extensive efforts to design and build a spice-fueled internal combustion engine, we have come to the conclusion that Sazon Mas Guapo is versatile and delicious, but it is crap as an automobile fuel.”  

Team Mas Guapo was not the only local competitor contending for the elite prize.  Lynchburg entrepreneur and real estate developer Oliver Kuttner has submitted an impressive entry.  Kuttner’s team, called Edison2, has three vehicles competing in the final stage of the X Prize and is the sole team remaining in the competition’s mainstream category, which carries a $5 million prize.

“This has been a disappointing chapter and a learning experience for our entire organization, but it serves as a reminder of the importance of sticking to core competencies; Mas Guapo is a spice company and from now on, we will stick to making food taste better and making chefs more handsome.”

Mas Guapo to Cuccinelli: “We are not witches!”

Charlottesville, VA. -  Local spice firm Mas Guapo Foods responded to rumors that they might soon be served with a Civil Information Disclosure, or CID, from the office of Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli.   Such a CID might seek internal documents and email correspondence relating to the firm’s signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo.  Ken Cuccinelli

In marketing materials, the company makes claims that its proprietary spice blend possesses a quality, or “Zestiliciousness”, that can make the user seem more attractive.  Mr. Cuccinelli contends that the company may be engaged in witchcraft and that state tax credits granted to the firm may have “separation of church and state implications”.  Though no representatives from the Attorney General’s office would comment on a pending filing, sources in Richmond allege that Mr. Cuccinelli refers to the spice blend as “the Devil’s handmaiden” and that images found on the website’s “’Stache Gallery” are homoerotic in nature. 

Mr. Cuccinelli has been in the spotlight since his election in 2008. His office has filed suit against the Federal government challenging the constitutionality of “ObamaCare” healthcare reform and sought to revoke legal protections afforded to the University of Virginia’s gay workers.  Also, the AG filed similar CID’s with the Environmental Science Department of UVa and actively petitioned to cover up the naked breast of Greek Goddess Virtus, whose figure has graced the Virginia State Seal since 1776. 

Say officials from Mas Guapo Foods,  “Our proprietary seasonings are simply so delicious that they make the chef appear more handsome and no supernatural activities are involved in their production. Further, we do not believe that it is appropriate for the state to intrude on our privacy in this way but recognize that [the company] would have an obligation to comply with such a request and we intend to cooperate to the extent required by law.”

Seasoning’s Effectiveness on Oil Spill Damage “Greatly Exaggerated”

Charlottesville, VA.  In a written statement to local press, the “Patrons” of Mas Guapo Foods cautioned that widely spread reports of successes in ameliorating the environmental damages created by the Gulf Oil Spill were “greatly exaggerated and had not been properly researched”.  The company further warned that any inferences that the company’s centerpiece product, Sazon Mas Guapo, was “some sort of panacea” were grossly overstated and could be misleading to the company’s shareholders and disruptive to parties actively engaged in the regional clean-up process.  “While we have been conducting internal testing in this area and early results with chicken wing fat and pork chop grease have shown great promise, we are not ready to publish any data and we make absolutely no claims of either success or failure”. 

For years, Sazon Mas Guapo has been anecdotally shown to make its users appear more attractive, but the release continues, “We want to be crystal clear that this has not been shown to be helpful in any way for the environmental calamity in the Gulf of Mexico.”  BP, the Louisiana Coast Guard, and FEMA were unavailable for comment on this story.

Mas Guapo Mustaches Under Fire

Washington, D.C.- The D.C.-based watchdog group Center for Health Interests and Public Safety (CHIPS) has turned its attention away from “Kid’s Meal” toys for now and has taken aim at the complimentary artificial mustaches included with packages of Sazon Mas Guapo.

The organization has demanded that Mas Guapo Foods stop offering mustaches with its proprietary Spice Blend, calling the practice "predatory," and last Thursday put spice giant on notice to comply or face legal action.  The CHIPS contends that the coercive marketing of Sazon Mas Guapo makes tots pester their parents to buy them seasonings that are full of “Zestiliciousness” and may cause excessive handsomeness.  The owners, or “Patrons de Mas Guapo”, could not be reached for comment, but in a press release called the action “Nanny-State politics at its worst” and that “[the CHIPS] could suck it”.